We interrupt this rant to bring you a message from the Greater Mooburg Chamber of Commerce.
During the last few weeks, we the members of the Mooburg Chamber of Commerce have become aware of a certain bias of the media against our fair city. We feel it our duty to correct this disinformation — undoubtedly planted in an already negative media by Aardvark dissidents, most of whom are not Mooburg residents at all, but troublemakers from the outside.
Our ultimate goal, of course, is to convince you
that none of the reported disasters actually occurred, and that Mooburg is a
delightful place to spend your vacation dollars.
A Rather Loud Tourist Boom
The first rumor we want to dispel is the media hype
surrounding last summer's "volcanic eruption" of Mount Cud. The
out-of-town media would have you believe the fake seismic reports registered as
far away as Alaska, and the disputed fact that about 523 visitors' cars were
filled with lava within a period of about 15 minutes.
We say "disputed" mainly to draw
attention away from our earlier press release, which stated that the eruption
was caused by tourists threatening Mount Cud with their cars and generally
antagonizing Morgo, Volcano God of the Underworld.
No, in fact, the event was not a volcanic eruption
at all, but a nuclear explosion rained down upon our fair city by Aardvark dissidents.
The problem has since been resolved, and we have it
on excellent authority that future nuclear blasts will be confined to the
off-season.
No Violence, Please.
We're Cows.
We're Cows.
Despite the too-hasty complaints of a small handful
of ill-advised vacationers, who rashly visited local hospitals to report broken
bones and lacerations, there is absolutely no truth to the rumor of a
full-scale riot in Mooburg streets last August.
As well, reports that at least 2,000 vacationers
went on a rampage, overturning cars, destroying the Mooburg Tourist Office, and
causing $368,024 in damage to the Mooburg Hotel (formerly the Aardvark Inn) are
completely false.
Moreover, film coverage of Mooburg police
fighting to regain control over angry hordes throwing rocks, beer bottles and
small packages of vacation brochures should be completely ignored. Local
police, in fact, did not use pepper spray to pacify the mob, which never
existed.
The Not-At-All-Frightening
Popularity of Motorized Lawn Bowling
Police comments that they were lured into
"a premeditated attack" by gangs of disgruntled tourists frankly
baffled us until we realized that they must have been referring to the
historical re-enactment of the 1962 Mooburg Jute Mill Explosion, which took place
in the town's Rotary Club Park two months earlier.
The 12 police officers who were injured that day, as well as the 32 mangled members of
the nonexistent crowd, had actually been involved in a strenuous game of lawn
bowling when the injuries broke out. One visitor from Winnipeg (which also does
not exist), for example, was actually trying to complete a very difficult
oblique-corner bowl when he accidentally ran over a police officer with his
2002 green Honda Civic.
We of the Mooburg Chamber of Commerce thank you
for your kind attention. We now return you to your regularly scheduled rant.
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