Sunday, April 6, 2014

Invasive, Ubiquitous and Unappreciated Advertising

This Rant Brought to You By…

Mooburg Hotel, 43 Silage Street East, 555-6854.
The Mooburg Hotel (formerly the Aardvark Inn) was opened around the turn of the 20th century by the Aardvark brothers. Yes, we have cleaned up since the tourist riots. The hotel's setting is breathtaking, opposite Rotary Park and the garbage dump. Fresh hay in every room. The Warm Hand on a Cold Morning Pub and the Silage Bistro are popular with tourists with very clean cud bins. Tourists with dirty bins should probably drive on to Gravity Falls. Happy hour is every day from 5.30 to 6.30. On Thursdays, play Veggie Madness and get a free meal if you win. Live entertainment monthly featuring the Moo Valley Jug Band, complete with real jug. You'll love the Caged Aardvark, so stop in for a photo.

Grossly Overpriced Antique Co., 29 Silage Street, 555-9876
Grossly Overpriced is a family-owned and operated antique store specializing in tourist fleecing. Our motto is, "You break it, you buy it." We carry many items ranging from furniture, china, glass, primitives, and sports memorabilia. Free estimates of your own antiques, guaranteed to let us buy the stuff cheap and sell it at a disgusting profit. We are also authorized dealers for the Flimsy, Bandaged Carvers, and Stolen Art brands, just to name a few. We also carry locally hand-crafted items and our own unique genuine antiques, hurriedly made in our back room.

Cow National Car Repair, 404 Cud St. West, 555-3860
There is no long-term automotive repair shop in Mooburg, because cows don't drive. However, a mechanical garage is open during the vacation season to fleece the tourists. Price of gas is at least 10 cents higher than in surrounding towns.
Other garages in Mooburg are illegal. Rumor has it that the new owner of 4284 S. Hoof Court, Marvin Bandicoot, is proposing to open a garage in his back yard. City Hall has refused him a permit. Mr. Bandicoot, who is not of the cow persuasion, has gone ahead and put in a hydraulic lift in his garage and informed the city that the use will not be commercial. However, the telephone book and his business card list 4284 S. Hoof Court as Mr. Bandicoot’s business address. The City plans to revoke his back yard next Friday.

Endangered Bookstore, Inc., 581 Cud Street East. 555-0481
We are pleased to announce that the Endangered Bookstore is no longer in business. Cows don't read, so what's the point? Visitors to Mooburg, however, will enjoy the store's display of empty book shelves, and "Going Out of Business" posters (still stuck to the front window). During the high tourist season, copies of the Mooburg Telephone Directory, and empty bound pages with Harlequin Romance covers glued to them are available at a nominal cost for beachside reading.

Bossy's Boutique, 302 Cud Street East. 555-3962
Discover Bossy's Boutique! A wide selection of unique fashions makes us the best place to shop for accessories, sportswear, dresses and gowns. Tired of mid-winter milkings? Bossy carries everything from suits to socks to udder warmers in sizes ranging from 4 to 243, as long as it is in black and white. As a special feature, customers receive a bowl of cud when they enter the store. "The approach is genteel elegance," said Bossy, whose merchandise comes directly from John Deere.

WCOW 98.5 FM -- All Cow! All the Time! McCorkle Farm, 555-1212
One of Mooburg's quality local radio stations. In fact, Mooburg's only station and the dominant media force in the Moo Valley, as long as you’re not more than 50 feet from our antenna. WCOW FM broadcasts live 24 hours a day, seven days a week, from the WCOW World Broadcast Centre in Mooburg, about three feet underwater in the middle of Lafe McCorkle's cornfield. Specializing in Amish Heavy Metal, Morning Milk Mantovani, and Mooing with Barry Manilow.

Steamroller Dry Cleaners, Inc. 49 Cut Street West, 555-3715
This month only! Clearance sale on torn rags and slightly mashed buttons! We specialize in industrial-strength starch. Our process has passed all state and provincial building code standards for compression strength. Nationally accepted substitute for quick-drying cement. Our motto: If we promise we'll deliver it by tomorrow, it's good enough to keep till a week Tuesday. Come in today! See whose laundry you actually take home tomorrow!

Flimsy Excuses, Inc. 55 Cud Street West, 555-7654
More than you ever dreamed could be made out of balsa wood, Kleenex, and cardboard and sold for more than a thousand dollars! Free delivery, as long as you live next door. Come in and browse! See our new self-locking door! We accept all credit cards and most denominations of bills. New shipment of broken furniture left over from last August's tourist riots, which, we are just informed, did not take place. Flimsy Excuses — your local emporium of bad taste.

Slightly Stale Buds, Ltd., 99 Hoof Street, 555-1324
Just in! Unique exploding poppies! Surprise your friends! Our store is easy to find! Just across the street from the Bide-a-Wee Cemetery. We know absolutely nothing about the flowers that have been disappearing from the grave yard. Stop in to see us and look over our large collection of slightly used flower arrangements. Rock bottom prices on our large collection of roses labelled "We will miss you, Uncle Oscar".

Happy Wanderer Morticians, 67 Hoof Street, 555-8754
Let's get one thing straight. We had nothing to do with the disappearance of Uncle Oscar! He was lying there in the back room and then, Hey, Presto! Now that we've cleared that up, would the gentleman from the Gravity Falls Medical School please pay up? You're two months behind on the bribe money. We wouldn't want the Provincial Board of Examiners to get a little surprise in the mail, now would we? Oh, yes. Special this week on horrendously overpriced teak and gold-plated caskets. Six for the price of one sale. Surprise your friends!

Damn! What is this?

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